"I am beautiful Just as I am.
How true is that statement on a scale of 1 to 7, 7 being very true & 1 being a lie?"
My answer to her, My Counselor's, question was a 1--- I didn't believe it. I didn't believe any part of it. It wasn't true in the past when they were all making fun of me and I wasn't true today as I looked myself up and down in the mirror.
Smaller is prettier. You're so big. You lose influence when you don't look like you have it together. You won't look pretty in layers, you're going to look frumpy and gross. Work harder. Be better. Be the Best... Lies. They are all lies and I have been believing them all, nearly every day for a few months. It was a slippery slope but I decided to go down it. Bear with me as I try to put 9 months worth of thoughts into a post, seeing as how my last post was on January 3, the day before I turned 27 and 6 years after I overdosed.
Somewhere I've forgotten who I was, I got caught up in the world and have lost a part of me. I have been living to please people instead of pleasing The Lord. Numbers have overcome me...in Business, in Body, in Calories, in Bank accounts. I like to hold myself to some sort of unattainable expectation and when I can't deliver, because it's next to impossible, I beat myself up. God says "Where your treasure is, There your heart will be also" (Matthew 6:21) and my treasure has been in numbers.
I was told about a month ago to step on the scale at the doctor's office so I did & I looked...Not a good idea.
Years ago when I was seeing a nutritionist and a doctor every week because of my anorexia they made me step on the scale backwards, I hated it but I always did it because it was safe. This time, because i thought i was better, I went face first and that number is now implanted in my head. The disappointment that i felt was almost overwhelming. For years my mood was determined by the scale--If the number went down it was an inward celebration...If the number went up it was thoughts of self hate and thoughts of needing to be better, more disciplined. And immediately, after I saw that number last month, My desire to change my body became greater than my desire to obey The Lord. I made my body an idol...definite sin.
Every day was a calorie counting game, just as it had been in years past. I had already memorized about every item that is known to man so this was easy to me. On a scale of 1-7, 7 being very true, "Beautiful just as I am" was a 1, -1 if we could go there. Every day I would lower my calorie intake and burn more...And then I broke. My calorie intake exceeded my outake. I went back to my old habits. I had drifted and didn't have the strength to see what was happening.
I told Brad that I was having a hard time and told him what was going on, even though I knew I could hide it because He has no idea what it's like to live with someone consumed by this disease. I don't want my marriage to be something I put second behind food. I want it to be second behind God. Brad asked me one night, What did you do before (years ago) that helped you do good? And for days I thought about it... What helped me most in the past was being real. Real about my struggles, real about my victories, and real about life. Never before have I believed that I needed to pretend everything was o.k.---I'm not sure what changed in my head. I want to be honest. I want everyone to know that I too struggle in a very real way and that I am IN NO WAY Perfect.
Some days I feel like a failure but i'm not. I'm moving forward--
PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION.
I know what life is like without addiction and it's good, really good. You smile, you laugh, and you don't have to fake it. You can have a conversation...When I put God first, above me, above Brad, I live a healthier life and i'm able to love better. Not just my husband, Not just others, but myself...
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
This is me being weak, being vulnerable, and being real. I don't have it together and I'm not someone you want to be even though a lot of people say that and tell me that. God is the King, try to be more like Him because He never fails. He is always near and Will never let you down. I will...
So, how do I believe at a 7 level "I am Beautiful Jus as I am?"
I'm not sure But I'm going to start by thinking I'm beautiful any time I look in the mirror instead of all the other crap thoughts that come into my mind. I'm going to stop focusing on not failing, because I think if you focus on that you're bound to fail, and instead focus on Loving Bigger. I'm going to hold my myself to a standard of grace and not perfection and remember Progress is what counts. I'm going to stop trying to please others. I will fear God before I fear man. I will remember that my Weight does not determine my worth and the size of my pants doesn't define who I am...I am Beautiful Just as I am.
I am Beautiful Just as I am.
You're Beautiful Just as You are.
In all honesty, I believe that at about a 5 as I type that but guess what...It's not a 1 so there's hope in that.
I praise you because you made me in an amazing and wonderful way.
What you have done is wonderful.
I know this very well. Psalm 139:14
I am choosing freedom. I am claiming it. I am not going to live in fear. I will be Brave. I am going to be Real.
Will You?
Will you be Brave?
Will you Believe the Truth about who you are?
Will you stop living in fear?
Will you join me on this journey?
((This print is available now in my shop))